It is at times like this that I wish that my reviews were in video form and not as a written blog. I had a thought the hours before and after I watched Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and that thought kept growing and growing. I think it will only become more pronounced, but I think it’s formed enough for me to phrase it for you:
What the fuck are we doing here?
Rat Race
I present to you, my dear friends, a montage. Please enjoy this audio, (sponsored by Skull Candy and Peloton) in the background as you peruse the influences that informed my review for Spider-Man: Brand New Day (which I will now call SM5 because typing hard).
This series of screenshots, in the context my website touting itself as a film review blog, begs the question, “What the fuck are we doing here?”
I know a good few will ask the following questions: Did I want to be the first review you read? Did I want my blog to ride the SEO wave of people asking Google “Was Spiderman any good” and hope that I get a few clicks I wouldn’t have? Do I just want everyone to know that I’m a fuck nerd who, a month ago, went and bought tickets for the movie?
I could answer that for myself, but honestly, that’s not a question for me. These are questions you answer in your brain noggin and form your perception of me and my existence. But it was weird, right? That guys like Red Letter Media (whom I love but also hate) pushed out their video two days after its Thursday release. Moist Critical tossed out his video a single day after release (and it seems he’s abandoned his moist meter rating system, so thank god for that). Those guys, Jordan and Eddie? They’re just film guys (well. 1 guy. I think one of them passed away), and they review a lot of indie and niche stuff, sometimes movies I hadn’t even heard of. Like me, they write about older movies too. Their review was sitting in my inbox the night of the Thursday release.
Look. I get why some reviewers need to have their thoughts published early. In the early days, those dudes in newspapers and magazines would help inform their audiences if a movie was worth seeing or why, right before or right after release. That still happens now.
A reputable or widely-read publication would get to screen the film early, after which they publish their reviews depending on when a movie lets them. SM5 let early screeners publish their reviews just 2 days before release (or 1 day if you consider their Wednesday preview shows the true release date). I’m not gonna go into why or why not a movie would want an embargo that lifts closer or further from the release, because there’s a hundred reasons either way. And yes, these days influencers, or other people with a large audience, get invited to early screenings, like this guy, and even this person. I get it. I get why.
But are people like RLM or Moist or even Jordan and Eddie influencers who got early screenings? Maybe. It’s unlikely. What about those redditors? Whose thoughts had to be shared? Honestly? Honest reviews. Honest thoughts. We had to hear from them and their 3, 5, 8, and even 9 out of 10 ratings. Right?
What’s the fucking point of that? What’s the point of this? Play the music again!
The Music Plays On
I’m referring to this audio again, now sponsored by Base 44 AI and Mike Talarico from Texas who’s only asking for $1 because this is going to be the most expensive campaign race in history.
It’s not a montage, it’s just a few screenshots because everyone and their dog knows about the absolute bonkers numbers SM5 is doing. Bonkers. It was the busiest weekend for movie theaters in 5 years. It was the biggest weekend for AMC ever. This movie is in serious contention for hitting $2,000,000,000 in revenue. I mean. It’s massive. Everyone knows. And if you don’t know, then you’re not gonna miss out, right? Because FOMO. If everyone is going, you’re not gonna be the social leper who hasn’t seen it yet!
I actually drove into the mall where my AMC is to get dinner on Saturday night at 9pm. It was such a mistake. I spent 25 minutes in parking lot traffic. There was an, honest to god, crowd outside the theater. People were spilling out of the theater like a concert just ended. I got goosebumps from the sheer energy of the crowd.
I’m not going to lie, guys, it was such a wonderful, beautiful thing to see. Hundreds of people united in their desire to experience this entertainment, all convinced that this was where they should spend their prime weekend hours. I’m not even some movie theater romanticist, I just enjoy experiencing humanity.
So what was the point of Jordan and Eddie sitting in my inbox? Of the 1.8 million viewers on his video, how many of those did Moist convince to go watch this movie that weren’t already committed? What did the frantic viewing, reviewing, taping, and posting do for RLM’s reputation?
I’m not saying that there’s nobody at all in the world who wasn’t going to see SM5 if they hadn’t otherwise been convinced by someone’s review. So why? Why do it? What are they doing?
The Grind
I mean, the answer to all of this is just M O N E Y. Youtubers get a bunch of money if their views make it big, sure. But from the audience side, I think there’s three primary reasons why someone would consume a review for SM5, regardless of who they’re listening to:
- They trust the reviewer’s opinions and recommendations, and they want to know if a movie is worth watching
- They have tickets and want to know if they’re in for a good time
- They saw the movie already and need to know if their opinions line up with their reviewer’s
As a reviewer, if your viewer trusts your thoughts, then ok, you can let them know if you think they’ll enjoy a movie, and why or why not. That’s what I do here. That’s why my tagline is “I watch bad movies, so you don’t have to”. It’s why I’ve got this and this and this and this and this and this reviewed. Movies that are either not well known, didn’t reach a big audience, were crappy, that didn’t make an impact on the zeitgeist, were crappy, or were crappy. If I think that something deserves your time, I tell you. If it doesn’t, then I tell you why not.
If you’re a reviewer where your viewer or audience is tuning in for reason number 2, then I mean… congrats? You got yourself a stable of sheep. Go guide them as you see fit.
Reason number three, however, is more impactful than most people would guess, and I have no facts to back up this theory of mine. Consider the people who don’t have the film knowledge, vocabulary, or desire to formulate their thoughts and feelings into a coherent opinion. Then throw in people who saw the movie and didn’t have anyone to talk to about it (malelonelinessepidemicsayswhaaaaaaat). Then finally we consider folks who don’t have enough confidence in the opinions they did form. Also consider the people who haven’t seen the film yet, don’t want to admit it, but still want to participate in the conversation. Y’know. FOMO. Add that all up, and we’ve got a really significant number of people.
Now, I’m not bashing anyone who falls into this third bucket for whatever reason. When I watch certain films, I’m often left either apathetic or confused. Not very confused, though. I’m not often confused often. Because I am so so smart and tall and fast and funny. But if I don’t have my thoughts sorted, sometimes I just want other people to sort for me. Some movies just don’t deserve the brainpower, y’know? Then there’s the really clever movies, like Nightbitch, which I know for a fact I would have missed details and nuances and needed additional insight. From, like, women?
Again, I don’t have any stats or facts to back me up on this, but I think that this third group of people is very large. For better or worse, it exists. So for all these reasons, and also money reasons, Youtubers and other reviewers would definitely want to cash in. And that’s fair. But it’s embarrassing, isn’t it?
Why yes, I am proud of myself for having summarized this part of the discussion to “Things happen for money or some other motivation”.
The 9 to 5
All that said, when I think about these other reviewers, especially the redditors, I feel a mix of both pity and frustration. On one hand, shut up. On the other hand, maybe this is their thing. They wanted or needed to lay out their thoughts. Maybe show off that they watched the movie and are better than the losers who have to wait a few days. Or maybe, like me, they want to drive traffic to their website.
At the same time, though? Shut up?
What’s the point, right? What the fuck are we doing furiously and frantically recording our thoughts and feelings about movies within hours of viewing them before spitting out our thoughts across the internet? Is that necessary? How many millions would SM5 not have made if thirty redditors and a handful of mid-size Youtubers and an untold number of tiny movie review blogs didn’t publish?
I know there’s a systemic argument to be made, that between influencers, publication reviews and their embargos, word of mouth, unsponsored videos, podcasts, forum posts, and the slew of unprompted social media posts, all work in unison to form a large part of a movie’s marketing. I get it. I used to be a marketer. I know how this works.
But Spider-Man: Brand New Day? The seven hundred fifty fourth movie in the MCU? Starring Tom Holland and Zendaya? With confirmed cameos from Punisher and the Hulk? Plus three previous Spider-Man movies with Holland having reached undeniable financial and critical success? An army of diehard comic book movie fans? The movie featuring one of the biggest, most liked, most recognizable comic book characters ever?!
Did we really need to dickride this movie? What the fuck are we doing here?
Spider-Man: Brand New Day Movie Review
I’m not even going to bother with it. No review. Fuck you.
GOOD
Fuck off, everyone knows where to watch Spider-Man: Brand New Day.
PS I know pretty much none of you are really paying attention to what I’m doing here in terms of how many movies I’ve watched, which of those movies got reviews, and if and when those reviews gonna be published.
As a little insight, I’m not spamming my reviews as fast as they come, or in chronological order relative to when I watched them. I’m scheduling out my publishing to once a week for movies that were released a while ago, and reserving a second post per week for more topical films. Why am I doing that? Why did I do that? Partly because I wanna capitalize on the ‘newness’, partly because it would be so so so embarrassing if I published the review for The Odyssey in September instead of 7 days after it was released, and then you guys thought I wasn’t ‘hip’.
So this discussion for SM5 gets published right away, and on Monday the computer will publish my review for the 2024 movie Oddity. Also, SM5 pushed my “super interesting” thoughts about Avatar Aang: The Last Airbender all the way down to August 14th, so I hope you’re happy about that.
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