I watched the movie Masters of the Universe, which is based on the He-Man show, which is based on the toy line. It was everything and more I expected from a colorful, dumb, CGI movie. I highly recommend it for people who want to watch a goofy dumb movie that isn’t too offensive. That’s the review. Read on if you’re bored.
Stolen Valor
A few days ago, I was highly considering watching Obsession following all the hype, but as I had the booking page open, some fuckass youtubers from Milwaukee posted a video about Masters of the Universe, and the last time I watched one of their videos about a movie they completely overwrote what I thought of the movie.
So I stopped watching their videos on movies I planned on seeing but haven’t yet- in fact, I stopped watching any youtube videos on any movies I hadn’t seen that I planned on. That big brain idea has left me with a YouTube ‘Watch Later’ playlist that’s 68 videos long and mainly consists of ‘best of 202X’ videos from Thomas Flight and The Closer Look. In any case, I tossed the Obsession idea and immediately hit smash on purchasing a ticket for the He-Man movie so I could whittle down on the enormous burden of having unwatched video things on my streaming platforms. As soon as I got home from the movie, I watched the RLM video.
Fucking bastards stole all my points.
Every single goddamn thing I wanted to say about the movie, those fat fuck hacks from buttfuck Wisconsin said already. Waste of a review post. Fuck.
85scenes’ Red Letter Media’ Review
Here’s what I would have said if those dipshit alcoholics hadn’t said it first:
The film Masters of the Universe is a tongue-in-cheek action comedy that bursts at the seams with color and humor. It’s an earnest tale of an affable blond man becoming the hero he is meant to be while fighting Allison Brie and the evil villain, Jared Leto, and discovering that the real hero isn’t some macho muscular barbarian, but a handsome white man with the perfect features that he’s always had. Morena Baccarin is a bird.
The film is a nonstop barrage of jokes, and much like someone else I know, only about half of the jokes hit. The half that work draw genuine laughs from the audience, whereas the other half of the humor attempts are a cringe attempt at trying too hard. Much like someone else I know. Despite the campy source material and the self-aware humor, Masters of the Universe makes an earnest effort at delivering an adventure that culminates in a feel-good moral that helps the hero save the day. The message this time around revolves around self-acceptance of one’s strengths, as those strengths are what makes one a true hero.
A strong third act makes up for a low second act and a prolonged childhood flashback sequence in the first. The James Gunn-lite space film feels like an oddly familiar pastiche of orcs and colorful henchmen who are aware that their gross looking cult boss, Jaded Lego, is kind of a fucking nutcase.
Despite his perfect features and obviously perfect body hiding under subtly sexist clothing, career choices, and car choices, the main character, played by Handsome F. Hunk, gives it his all to convince us that he’s a bumbling buffoon, and not secretly slaying demons and pussy in the same jockstrap. Further strong and comedic performances are given by Allison Brie, who remains gorgeous and funny even when she’s playing Mrs. Evil, and, unfortunately, Jingaling Repo, who plays a maniacial egomaniac as if it came naturally to him.
Those chuckleshits over at RLM said it all. They said it all. Everything but the Morena Baccarin bit, they said it all. They even made a boner joke about Skeletor. Fucking hacks.
I still have original thoughts!
One thing they didn’t say- and that they kind of skirted the idea made me raise a concerned, liberal eyebrow- was that the movie only lightly touches on the idea that masculinity needs muscles and violence. While the messaging, at least verbally, is that the protagonists’ empathy and willingness to negotiate first are his strong suits, those particular traits are not developed efficiently. There are a few scenes where his desire to talk things through before resorting to violence are demonstrated, but his ultimate victory comes from a beatdown of a sunken-cheeked cowardly evil man who runs a cult and abuses his female followers and destroys everything he touches: Skeletor.
That said, the man’s name is “He-Man”. That title is played off as a joke and a 10-year old’s desire to be the hero, and not truly taken seriously. That isn’t enough, in my opinion, to elevate this film from ‘stupid general audience-pleasing cartoon’ to ‘maybe these guys were trying to be thoughtful when writing their jokes’. There are a few borderline homophobic jokes thrown in there, often at the villain’s expense (this demonizes the non-heterosexual, as explained by another YouTuber, Lindsay Ellis).
I also wasn’t sure if the people who care about being sensitive to the fact that minorities have feelings and women can achieve things were able to combat the idiots who think it’s funny when someone lands on the bosom of a woman.
- Affront #1: The Grinch.
- Affront #2: Age of Ultron.
- Affront #3: Justice League.
- Affront #4: Masters of the Universe.
At the very least, this movie had the self-restraint for the male and female leads to not kiss and/or end up together, and when the guy is rejected, he’s cool about it and the rejection is never brought up, nor is he ridiculed for the rejection. Additionally, all of the women wear sensible costumes, and there’s only a handful of buttshots of Camila Mendes in tights.
I want to say that this movie wasn’t offensive to people who aren’t heterosexual men, but there’s a case to be made that it was. I can’t tell yet because the sound system in my AMC is shit and I could barely understand the dialogue, and they refuse to play subtitles for English movies in theaters.
The movie Masters of the Universe stands out because it tells a cohesive story with a related and justified moral at the end of it. It doesn’t make excuses for the fact that the entire concept and this movie were designed to sell cheap plastic shit toys to kids (a concept that RLM goes into in detail because those losers actually own He-Man toys). The movie was far better than expected, and far funnier than expected.
The only thing that would have elevated it to an elite level was them actually spending time addressing, challenging, and then overcoming, the idea that a macho muscular man with a girthy sword defeating an effeminate villain is what a true man is. They touch on it, but don’t dwell on it.
And as for RLM, those shits are on thin ice. I thought Masters of the Universe was
GOOD
I watched Masters of the Universe in theaters, but I’m thinking it’ll end up streaming on Amazon Prime. Fuck Chairlot Ludo and his island cult.
85scenes Reviews 
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