Hi. Issme. I’m here again. This review is late because I watched the movie late. I also haven’t been watching movies. I’ll explain. Want me to explain War of the Worlds? It’s really bad and I’m gonna try really hard to be funny!
War of the Bores
Ok so if you heard anything about this movie, or saw the ridicule on twitter, then it is allllll correct and real. This movie sucks. It’s a stack of corporate sponsorships and really shitty editing and completely uncompelling dramatic moments. Ice Cube isn’t as bad as everyone says he is, but he really wasn’t the guy for this role.
My big complaint with this film was how everything happened instantly. Absolutely instantly. Sometimes the effect was even before the cause. The film happens in the course of about 6 hours or something. The entire war? The worlds? The invasion? Hours. Sun up to sun down. That’s how instant. Do you wanna know what happens during that time? A global meteor strike. Aliens stand up. Aliens blow up critical infrastructure. Aliens redirect. They blow up data centers. The humans discover the aliens are nanobots. They deploy a virus. Alien tripods turn into animal spaceships. More virus. B2 bombers. Climax. ALLLL of that. Plus flimsy father-daughter and father-son reconciliations.
It’s too fast. The military cannot deploy that quick. Shit don’t happen that fastly.
Except y’know. I guess they were right!
Iced Earnestness
So the movie takes place entirely on screens, a lot like that really fantastic movie with porn star Sasha Grey, and that other sexual exploitation movie Megan is Missing. It’s just as crappy. I think, that after having seen so many examples of movies that take place entirely on computer and phone screens, that this format doesn’t work. I get that logically it should, but it doesn’t.
But then you think… didn’t we all just watch and experience all of our world events on our screens? We’re just not the active protagonists when it happens to us. So perhaps… they were on to something after all.
I know that somewhere, at some point, someone with a smidge of imagination said, “what if that famous book by Orson Wells, that also had that super famous film adaptation made by Steven Spielberg starring Tom Cruise, had a remake. And we’ll put equally famous movie legend Ice Cube and the guy from Agents of SHIELD, and a couple of C-listers- except. It’s all on computer screens, and designed for the issues of 2008 21st century issues?”
Yeah. So they sacrifice all the action in this movie. There’s no action. No fighting, no dramatic combat scenes, no war in the movie War of the Worlds. Just computers. So they adapted. They decided to go with the other big draw in a movie: character drama.
And the character drama was hamfisted, if the fist was Manny Pacquiao’s fists of fury. Wham bam, one thing after another. Setup, resolution, just scenes apart.
But then you think about the news cycle and how there’s a new headline every day. Every hour. Every time you refresh. Maybe the movie was… tempered… in its speed.
I’m choosing to end the review here because at this point I think you guys get the gist of the issues at play here, and we haven’t even gotten to the insane number of product placements shoved and integrated deep, deep into the movie.
All in all, everyone will agree that this movie is, indisputably,
BAD
unless… of course… it was much deeper than I gave it credit for! You can watch this monstrosity on Amazon Prime, where other trash resides.
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