Peyton List. That’s it. That’s why this movie was watched. Peyton List. Do you think that was a good reason to watch a movie? Do you think that watching a horror movie only because it has Peyton List on its post is a good reason to watch a movie? Do you? Do you really? Because if the answer is no, you’re probably good at picking movies to watch. If the answer is yes, and you would watch a movie just because Peyton List is on the poster, then you may be stupid. Stoooooopid. Styuwpeed.
The other night, I watched The Inheritance, which had Peyton List on its poster.
A List of Failures
Peyton List. Where do you think you know her from? Cobra Kai mayhaps? That’s a good answer. She was in that show! She wasn’t very good as an actress, but she was in that show! I liked that show. I liked Cobra Kai. I enjoyed Cobra Kai. Peyton List was in Cobra Kai. The show Cobra Kai is a show about teenagers and their feuds and sometimes karate. The show Cobra Kai has a pool episode. Actress Peyton List was in the pool episode of Cobra Kai. Link to Youtube video of Peyton List in the pool episode.
Now that that personal failure is out of the way, let’s talk about the failure that is the movie The Inheritance, which was so bad that Netflix dropped it. It was so bad that some rich guy fired his chef over it. It was really, truly that bad. To save you some time, let’s just go ahead and skip to the end:
Don’t watch this movie.
Of all the shit movies I watch, of all the shit scary movies I watch, of all the scary movies I watch; it’s rare to come across such a pile of shit that it makes me giddy and excited to talk about how shit and pile it was.
The film follows a rich dad and his 4 kids, one of whom is married to a black woman. Immediately, you get to rely on the ‘racism’ thing to think that the wife is going to be the protagonist, especially after she’s bullied and bashed by the siblings of her husband. We conveniently gloss over the fact that her husband brings her on a trip that the father explicitly asked him not to bring her on. In r/relationshipadvice terms, the husband is shitty. The siblings argue over stupid stuff. They’re all shitty. Not the black lady, though. She’s fine. She asks them to stop arguing! Nothing bad about her! But there’s also no reason to think that anything bad will happen to her. Also ignore her putting her hand on her belly during the first act, that’s not anything and definitely not worth noting.
Oh dear. Did I just spoil something? Hand on belly? Married outsider? Lone empathetic voice? Racial undertones about class and wealth? No ma’am, this is not at all a cliche. We’re on minute 10.
Then there’s the acting. Holy fuck I’ve never seen such terrible acting. The pediatric doctor repeating character from New Girl is in this. He’s the worst. So bad. So bad. The black protagonist lady has no substance in the script to work with. Her ‘handsome white guy’ husband is not only bad at acting, but also got the shit end of the stick with the script. Their ‘relationship’ is founded entirely on the fact that they spend every. single. scene. holding. hands.
Every scene. Every shot. Holding hands. Touching. Holding hands. Every single time the camera pans to them. 99% of the time. If they’re not holding hands at the beginning of the scene, they end it with holding hands. If they don’t end a shot with them holding hands, they start with it. I wonder which one of them has sweaty palms. I know I do.
This movie is labelled as a horror, as is it marketed as one. The Inheritance is not a horror. It’s not scary or frightening or even tense. There’s no emotion, no nothing to this film. There’s a demon. He hides in the dark sometimes. He kills people 4 times. It’s not scary. There’s a vomit scene alluding to Evil Dead. It’s not creepy or icky, because it’s all CGI and water tinged with some currant juice. None of the kills are interesting. Sometimes there’s glowing eyes in the murky darkness. The whole movie is dark. No lights work ever.
There’s slight effort in one of the penultimate scenes, but it’s not clever filmmaking. It is, in fact, shitty filmmaking. The final bad guy is pinned under a big thing. The people he killed are seen silhouetted at the far end of the room. Without cutting, the camera pans to him struggling under the big thing, then back to the end of the room. The people are now closer. Repeat. Even closer. Repeat. And now they’re gone. Cut. Fuck you. I can literally see them walking forward and finding their glow-in-the-dark tape marks on the carpet. Fuck you.
A pey-Ton of Shit
The combination of the breakneck pacing, the crap acting, the shit script, and the lip service ‘emotional moments’ is a prime recipe for a crap sandwich. This movie sucked in every single aspect. There are no redeeming aspects. Even Peyton List dies right away.
So, if you’re wondering why you recognize the name Peyton List, I would like to refer you back to an equally bad movie, Bereavement, where I mention the name Peyton List and also the show Cobra Kai. Also. If the plot reminds you of a certain Samara Weaving movie about a bride who’s just married into a murderous, rich family, then you should not click this link, whether you’re Ready or Not.
That’s it. The karate show had me so hooked I got tricked into this shit. Don’t fall for it. This movie is
BAD
I watched it on Hulu, but you should not!
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