This blog was founded on a principle. A singular, sole principle: to tell you how shit a movie is. Since the first days of this stupid little blog, the purpose has change, morphed, evolved, and transitioned. Nonetheless, it remains a platform to bully.
So today, let us gather ‘round the campfire and engage in an age-old hobby: cyberbullying Vin Diesel.
The History of the Blog
Of my handful of subscribers, twitter followers, onlyfans subs, and irl friends, only a single digit number of you have been reading my blog since the day it went online. I suspect very few of you have taken the time to read through every post. According to my word press dot com statistics, the only time a single user clicked through every review was me, on my phone, drunk, at fuck o’clock.
So for you young yuppies let me remind you, via ctrl+k links, what my blog used to be about.
My first review- my first published review- was for the film xXx, posted in the year of the lord, 2021. The film was rated 1 out of 10. It stars Vin Diesel. I wrote, and I quote,
“People think I’m hard on Vin Diesel. They’d be wrong because I’m actually hard for Vin Diesel.”
The next review was for the sequel, xXx: State of the Union, which did not have Vin Diesel in it. This review lists such literary genius as,
“ 1/10. This is the best movie of all time”.
At around this point, things get fucky. There’s a lot of reviews that may lead to a 404 message. If you go through my “All Reviews” page, you’ll find that my review for Adi Shankar’s Power Rangers short film is my first post. I know that ain’t my first post. Further, there’s a handful of movies before xXx that have reviews posted and linked, but those are films that I rewatched and wrote a review for.
All of that is to say that my reviews, my history, the posts, and my bullying of Vin Diesel and Shia Lebeuof is all a fucking mess. Me? I am mess. My professional life? Mess. My personal life? Not a mess. My metaphysical life? A mess. My room? Not a mess. My garage? A mess. Hotel? Trivago. My hair? A mess. This paragraph? A mess. This review? A masterpiece.
The History of Vin Diesel Movie Reviews
Other films that are appropriately linked under the category of “Vin Diesel” are as follows:
and, as of this review, the film Riddick. A common thread of the non-Riddick films is how sexist they are. They depict their women as sex objects, inexplicably attracted to whichever character Vinny “Vin” “Dick” Diesel is playing. The Riddick films had shown a modicum of restraint and in the first film of the trilogy, Pitch Black, the women aren’t totally and uncontrollably in love with Diesel’s Riddick. In both of the xXx films, and especially Bloodshot, their attraction to Diesel is overtly the result of his ‘character-insert’ habits.
Unfortunately, whoever was telling him to hold back in his previous Riddick films is definitely gone- akin to when the people tempering George Lucus during his original trilogy were no longer there during the sequel trilogy. The sexism in Riddick actually can be put into a nutshell, so it’s not a big deal: The lesbian decides that Diesel is so cool that he’s totally worth fucking and forsaking her lesbianicity. Apparently, ‘lesbianicity’ is not a word.
That said, Diesel is the expected macho, ultraviolence-addled, perfectly-aimed, precognizant. He knows. He just knows. Everything that’s to come, everything that’s going to happen. His only precognitive failure comes from some henchman shooting the cliff out from under him in the first act that leads to the events of this movie. It’s as ridiculous as I’ve typed it- the man shoots a cliff off a mountain using two machine guns and drops Riddick.
But the words of my previous, ridiculous reviews still stand: “Diesel has a bigger dick than anyone, ever”, and also “You can feel insecure about your male genitalia or ability to stimulate your female genitalia by watching Bloodshot”. I have gotten flack from readers for my reviews being too phallic-obsessed. Recently, I got someone complaining- of all things- my em dashes. I didn’t even know they were called that.
I admit. This? This ridiculous, dick-riddled, macho-gasm of a movie review blog? It’s all- and totally- written by AI. I’m not a real writer. I’m totally professional and straightforward- and straight- and also not gay- and have a huge SCHLONG- like Vin Diesel. I just got this whole thing from a machine! Almost like the attraction machine that Vin thinks he is, and depicts himself as in his movies!
Look. The Chronicles of Riddick is a blip in the saga of the character of Riddick. He falls from the power of an emperor in this film, wallows in the filth of an abandoned planet, fucks a lesbian, and leaves the planet. That’s not a big deal in the life of a guy who’s in charge of the whole galaxy. In context of the first film, Pitch Black, it makes sense. Riddick the film is just an episode in the life of THE GUY. Capitals only. He is the DUDE. More capitals. He’s that cool. That capable. That hung.
So anyways. I didn’t really think that Riddick was all that great. It wasn’t clever or inventive, and felt like a reskin of the first film in the franchise, what with the “we gotta get off this planet with Riddick or not at all” plotline. I watched it smack dab in the middle of my Bollywood ‘male hero’ marathon, and the film fit right in. It’s just an epic tale of one manly man, told by the manly man, who does manly things and beats other men with his macho manliness. The end. In the context of the other Riddick films, this one isn’t worth watching- even when considering the one scene with a topless woman’s sideboob, and even considering an early Dave Bautista role.
BAD
I watched Riddick on Tubi, but it’s available on other places. I’m not linking it. Don’t bother. The end. End review. Go read my other reviews for entertainment. Visit porn hub dot com for boobs. This movie ain’t it.
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