How dire is my situation now that my boyfriend has called himself the c-word?
Oh lord. It’s happening. He has a label. And it’s not one of the cool, hip ones that you can add to an instagram bio and it warrants posting about social justice movements and gofundmes. It’s one of those labels that means you have to smile through your teeth and pat his insecure little head and tell him that you support his interests. This label means he’s going to plop your ass down in front of netflix and absolutely not chill as he mansplains his way through Okja and Roma. God forbid he finds a way to stream The Lighthouse. Your boyfriend is now… a cinephile
So let’s define cinephile- knowledge is power, and the more you know about your boyfriend’s new affliction, the more prepared you are to handle his new vocabulary and his new found pretentiousness. It’ll make it easier for you to handle meeting this guy:
Webster’s dictionary defines it as, “cinephile (n): a devotee of motion pictures”. I’m not joking. This is real. You are in trouble. Danger is imminent. Now, on a technicality, anyone who likes any motion pictures is a cinephile. But someone who unironically calls movies a ‘motion picture’, or verbally insists on a distinction between the terms ‘movie’ and ‘film’ is not just a cinephile, they’re a cinephile. Someone who only watches true cinema. An art form that combines imagery, poetry, music, and nonverbal communication to weave a tale that evokes true emotions and describes the filmmakers’ philosophies on how to live life. A cinephile is not some some plebian sheeple who watches all the Marvel movies and summer blockbusters.
What is Cinema?
Cinema is certainly not pure entertainment value. You cannot reduce motion pictures to a simple cacophony of color and cheap thrills. It’s not some wish-fulfillment melodrama that plays off of familiarity. True cinema is not any of these films:
No. Cinema is thought-provoking, emotional, nuanced and contemplative. True cinema leaves you reeling emotionally and mentally. You walk away having learned something. A good film is a puzzle, a visual enigma that requires critical thought to understand all of its metaphors (remember those from high school english?). True cinema is these movies:
How bad could a film hobby get?
He could make you watch 11 hours and 36 minutes worth of dragons, elves, dwarves and orcs. It could mean having to watch a horror film where all the men in the film are played by the same old guy and then it ends with some horrible, gory, male birth thing that happens over and over again. It could mean watching a boring and unfunny movie about spies that ends with the CIA paying for a woman’s plastic surgery, and leaves your partner giggling. It could also mean watching a fit, sweaty, shirtless Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.
It could mean that every conversation you have with him will be about films. He will start rattling off the names of directors and actors and whatever the fuck A24 is. He’ll start mispronouncing french words, talking about visual influences, three-ax structures, framing devices, the monomythosaur, and whatever the fuck a narrative arc is. He will tell you that Guardians of the Galaxy is a character-driven film even though there’s no driving. He’s going to say that this movie is Alfred Hichcock’s greatest work:
It could get so bad that you begin to realize all the times I’ve lied in this section.
How do I tell my friends and family about the changes my boyfriend is going through?
Unfortunately, this disorder is a visible one, and a preemptive conversation with your loved ones, or even a Facebook post will not be warranted. Your social interactions will now all be lubricated with the highly intellectual discussions that your boyfriend will now dominate. It will, to you, seem like he has the same discussion with a lot of different people, and maybe he even brings up the same few films, but it’s hard to tell. There’s just so many, and there’s no reason to worry your pretty little head.
Akin to the veganism outbreak of 2002 and the SARS-CrossFit-2 epidemic of 2019, this particular ailment will insert itself into any conversation that even vaguely or accidentally veers into the territory of, “OMG have you seen the new episode of Succession”, or “Becky how have you never seen Stranger Things? Those kids are so cute!” Hell, if anyone even mentions that they, “Took the kids to go see that Dungeons and Monsters movie”, prepare yourself to be corrected. There is no vaccine in the pipeline or discussed cure for Cinephile patients- any medical professional will no only speak to you about pain management.
What must I do for our relationship to survive?
This is not a phase. Your boyfriend could miss the next four Ari Aster flicks and lament that he hasn’t had the time to commit to the newest Werner Hers-Hog documentary about dinosaurs. Your boyfriend may even lack the emotional capacity to properly appreciate the next time that the guy from The Mummy is in a fishing movie. But he can’t un-buy that Casablanca poster from Amazon. He can’t unwatch A Serbian Film. He will always be a cinephile. When he dies, he will be buried with his favorite DVDs. Nothing can ever mend the relationships with people too unsophisticated to appreciate why Ryan Gosling driving around in a slow movie with techno music is so deep and complex.
Gosling has mastered the art of being sexy in the driver’s seat and your silly friends couldn’t even begin to comprehend why
To ensure the survival of your relationship and your sanity, you do not have to commit to the bit. There is no reason to mire yourself into the underbelly of film. You never have to realize that they have movies in places other than the AMC and the Cinemark. You never have to know that the Alamo Drafthouse is not a bar. You can yet be saved.
There’s this little trick that therapists hate called dissociation (v): to separate from association or union with another. In essence, every time the bell tolls and you settle on a once-familiar couch and power up the once-comforting screen, you must pretend to watch the film. That is all. It is simple. Pretend you are watching.
Let your body recognize and react to the stimuli. Each swell of music means you must lean in. Every flashing light means you must tense your grip on your partner’s strong, masculine, intelligent arms. For every moment of quiet, it is your que to pretend you’re listening to silence yourself. Steep yourself so deep in your meditation that you are never conscious enough to ask questions about the plot. There will be no confusion as to who is who- character names are unimportant. Ask not where the characters are going and why- the complexities of the hero’s journey are lost upon you.
Let your eyes glaze and your mind wander to a better time. A calmer time. A time where you didn’t know the difference between Darth Vader and Batman.
A time when you were pestered about watching Love Island only a little bit.
A time when your boyfriend didn’t associate his entire identity with his label.
A time when you didn’t have video essays that you must watch during your lunch hour.
A time before you sought out a crappy film blog in a vain effort to attempt to connect with the last vestiges of your boyfriend’s pre-cinema personality.
Alas, he lost.
85scenes Reviews 